Toxic. That’s the one word that defines my life. From the very beginning of my life – I’ve been surrounded by toxic people – my mom, my dad, my relatives, my school mates, my friends, my in-laws and I know if my younger brother had grown up before I left home, he would have been toxic to me too. I bet! That’s just how my life has been always. I didn’t grow up living – it is almost like surviving the hell between these toxic people.
Now, if you are an optimistic, positive mindset kind of a person who meditates and see goodness in all little things, you might not relate to me. And that’s not your fault. But let’s be honest – people judge! It is human tendency to find a way to look down on others no matter how miserable their own lives are. So, it doesn’t matter if you think I’m a chronic complainer or someone drowning in depression, that’s your perspective. But it won’t change the reality of my life, my experiences and my own viewpoints.
For me, the world is a cruel place filled with toxic people who are ready to suck every drop of blood out of you, leaving you empty from within.
It isn’t easy to survive in this toxicity, especially for sensitive people like me. Sometimes, it feels like my heart is just drowning and drowning to the point that every second, every breath feels suffocating. And the worst part? This suffering isn’t mine alone.
Negativity is contagious. When you’re in a bad mood, it often spills onto those around you. Your boss said something harsh, and you take out your frustration on your friends, your spouse, or your kids. If it happens occasionally, it won’t be a big deal for anyone. It might not have a lasting impact on yours and your family’s quality of life – life has its ups and downs and families learn to navigate those rough patches. So, your loved ones would most probably understand, forgive and move forward. But what if they can’t?
When your toxicity towards your friends and family becomes more regular, when it starts consuming you to the point where you lash out daily and become abusive, it poisons the environment. It can ruin your relationships and break the people you love. You might never realize what they are going through because you are only concerned about your problems. I am a perfect example of how unchecked toxicity and continuous ignorance can quietly ruin the lives of those we love most.
I grew up with a mother who had a severe form of OCD, and while I truly empathize with her struggles, her own suffering made her toxic to the point where she turned life of everyone around her quite miserable. Since childhood, I had to suffer a lot. She never cared for me, which left me neglected – a shabby, lonely child at school whom no one wanted to befriend. I would sit alone, eat alone and play, forget play!
She always made me feel disgusted for being a girl and often called me ‘unwanted child’ and ‘jinx’ because she believed I was responsible for her condition. Can a child be? Sometimes, I think I should have never born in first place. Her words and actions stripped me of my self-worth, and as a result, my entire childhood was ruined. Even today, I carry the weight of that trauma.
I struggle with social anxiety, and no matter how hard I try to overcome it, I can’t get over those irrational thoughts – the fear that I am constantly being judged, being wronged, that nobody likes me, that people see me as stupid and unworthy of belonging, or that I don’t even meet the benchmark of a normal person. I panic every time I come across a stranger or have to deal with a situation that involves another person because I have lost my self-worth and self-confidence years ago when I was rejected, abandoned and treated like trash.
When my social anxiety kicks in, I spiral into overthinking and cannot control my emotions. I find myself trapped in endless thoughts, constantly trying to convince myself that reality may not be as bad as I think.
In the past, when I get into this anxiety phase, I too used to become toxic toward my husband and my kids – the people I love the most. I would snap at them over small things, neglect my basic duties as a wife and mother, and create a tense, negative atmosphere at home. But one day, I don’t know what happened by God’s grace, something changed. I had a realization – I can’t be like my toxic mother.
And that realization made all the difference!
I reflected on my own shitty childhood, my own suffering, and how it had destroyed me. At that moment, I made a promise to myself – a promise to save the precious childhood and future of my kids.
“I will never put the baggage of my own mental stress and emotional struggles on my children.”
No matter how hard each day or moment may be for me, I will never burden my daughters with the weight of my hardships. Putting aside my own struggles, I will give them positive and supportive environment where they can grow and achieve whatever they wish.
I will tell them that their self-worth is more than anybody else. It’s far beyond anybody’s judgement. Unlike my toxic parents, I will raise my children to be confident, so they never seek validation from others, feel beautiful and worthy from within, and believe in themselves at every step of life. They will grow up knowing they are loved, valued and enough – just as they are. I will never let them go through what I have gone through.
The scars of my past may never fade, but I will not let them define the future of my children. I will raise my daughters to be kind, strong, and compassionate human beings that the world will be proud of. And I will uphold this PROMISE until my last breath!
P.S. And I hope that in the alternate universe, my life would be different too – free from toxic people. I would be having a healthy, loving mother and father who treat me as their little princess. I would receive the love I truly deserve, growing into a confident, beautiful, and fearless girl, admired and cherished by all.
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