Guilty Pleasure: What’s Wrong with Me?

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote anything. I have been busy and, honestly, nothing extraordinary was really happening in my life that I felt compelled to write about. And sometimes, it even seems like my creativity is really fading away. I have been struggling with writer’s block for past two years, and I don’t blame anyone else for that, but me. I think what I really need right now is clarity- a better understand of what I truly want in my life, instead of constantly putting things off and getting caught up in the cycle of procrastination.

Anyways, after so many months, I am glad that I am here again, on my laptop writing this blog and you know what, it really feels great. It feels like coming home after a long, exhausting trip. Every stroke on keyboard feels oddly comforting. I didn’t know how much I have been missing this until now.

Now, you might be wondering what brought me back. Did I find my motivation?  Did I finally figure out what I want in life? Well, the truth is I am in a bit strange position right now and I can’t seem to figure out how to come out of this. I am going insane over something – or rather someone – these days, who has been occupying my mind a little too much. It is just one of those guilty pleasures you secretly enjoy but would rather not admit out loud out of shame or guilt. Someone has managed to stir something in me that I haven’t felt for a while. My mind has become so crowded with his thoughts that they need to go somewhere. So, finally, I have something to write about.  

Long story short, a few months ago, I joined an office. Yes, me. The person who could have lived a peaceful life doing writing gigs from the comfort of home, but decided that it wasn’t enough as my mental health was going trash. I needed to step out to sort out myself and regain my sanity, and my husband also encouraged me, which I am glad he did.

Anyways, I applied to this company and got selected on my very first attempt, and that too in a different field. Well, by god’s grace, there is no shortage of skills in me, by the way. 😂 It’s just that I tend to get bored rather quickly and discipline hasn’t been my strongest suit ever. Anyways, that reflection for another day.

Initially, things were not going very well in my new office. And now that I am writing, I realize there’s a lot to share like what happened during those initial days, but that is not why I am here today.

Today, I am here to talk about someone, someone who is constantly running in my thoughts lately. At first, he was just another person, a random colleague I would occasionally cross paths with and never notice. I never realized things would ever turn this way with him. We used to cross paths but I hardly ever noticed him. I don’t know for how long he has been doing so. But, one day, I started noticing little things – some changes in how he acts around me.  

The way he suddenly gets louder when I am passing by, how his tone seems to change and how he somehow manages to stay in my proximity, as if finding reasons to be around me. And then there are some confusing moments, when he turns his back when I am about to pass by him.

Well, let me tell you something about myself first. Although, I have mentioned in earlier blogs as well – I am a socially awkward person, and to be honest, I don’t like to be going around, unnecessarily greeting every other person I happen to cross paths with, no matter who they are. I know it is too harsh to say that, but I feel extremely terrible doing so. This whole routine of exchanging unnecessary hellos and pretending to be socially enthusiastic drains the life out of me. I hate it, literally. I know many of you would not relate to this, LOL. 😂 But ask a person with social anxiety, how it feels.

I prefer staying low key, minding my own business, and going about my day without feeling the need to acknowledge everyone around me. That’s just who I am. As a strong introvert, sometimes I feel like I don’t belong to this era. Or I am on a wrong planet. ROFL. 😂 My logic is pretty simple: If I ignore someone, I assume I am practically invisible to them as well. LOL. 😂

Well, so initially I thought that was exactly what was happening between us. Just how I ignored most of the people in office, I was ignoring him too – despite the fact that he kinda helped me with a problem during my initial days at work. Whatever he did for me, he was told to do so by his senior. Nothing more, nothing less. Naturally, I thought he might have perceived me as a little rude for not acknowledging his effort even once. Maybe he had decided to give me the same energy and honestly, I was totally fine with this dynamic.

I mean why should I be obliged to be friendly to him, or greet him every time he passes by. Well, I kinda owed him a ‘thank you’, but nothing more than that. Though, I didn’t even say that and yes, honestly, I am a little embarrassed by that part. But at that moment, I simply didn’t think it mattered enough. So, I carried on as usual. I ignored him, or simply say didn’t pay any attention to him.

But then, a couple of months ago, I caught him looking at me, and that was certainly not an ordinary glance that people exchange without a second thought. It was different. There was something about the way he looked at me. You know that look that says- ‘I have a crush on you’. I don’t know about men, but we girls can really differentiate between a casual glance and a look that means something more. And that day, I am certain it was the latter.

And the feeling that followed – A sudden rush of dopamine travelled through my body before my brain could even process why he did so. I knew it is wrong to feel this way, being married already.  I had such glances from many people in the past, but I never felt this way. Usually, I barely notice and make no deal out of it. But this glance stirred something.

Feeling guilty, I immediately looked away, and fixed my gaze on my computer screen. I could not understand what just happened to me. I was so confused and remember thinking, He knows I’m married. Everyone in this office knows I am married. How could he do that! I just went about my day as normal but kept thinking about that.

And then, of course, his magentic eyes. They are so beautiful. I never noticed them before. I mean, why should I. I feel almost guilty even writing this, but I cannot think of a better word to describe them than seductive. They have an inexplicable charisma that makes it very difficult for me to look directly at them. Well, I don’t even have the courage to try. I can barely hold his gaze for more than a second before my eyes instinctively wander elsewhere. My boring computer screen suddenly becomes more fascinating, the plain walls suddenly become more interesting, and literally anything in my surrounding seems safer to look at than him.

And then, I was already processing that moment and it happened again the very next day.

I caught him intentionally passing by and looking at me. This time, it made me really nervous. I flustered and quickly looked away. Honestly, if avoiding eye contact were an Olympic sport, I might actually have a chance at winning a gold medal. 😂

But beneath all that nervousness, I could not really say if he really has a thing for me or is there some other explanation for all this? Because, you see, I am an overthinker and I really have the capability to write an entire book and an entire Netflix series based on just two glances and a walk past my workstation. ROFL. 😂 My brain refuses to settle and I can cook terrible assumptions around it all day. LOL. 😂

Maybe he just wanted to embarrass me for ignoring him always. Maybe, the help he had to lend me, bruised his ego. Perhaps, he thinks, “I helped her but she has been such a selfish, ignorant girl. Let’s play with her a bit” ROFL. 😂 What if he has a bet with someone? What if someone dared him to get my attention? Who knows? I am laughing at myself while I am writing this because I have a whole list of absurd possibilities running in my mind right now, and I just realzied, I can even write a psychological thriller now, Wow! 😂 I should stop watching ‘YOU’ over and over again. It seems like I am becoming like ‘Joe’ myself.

Ok, coming back to where I was. Because, apparently, my little office drama wasn’t done giving me enough material to overthink, fate did something and I got some help from him again. Ok, I bite. Maybe, this is a chance to make things a little less awkward between us.

So, the next day, I gathered whatever little courage I had and sent him a message on slack to say thank you.

And his response?

“It’s my job.”

Excuse me?

I was really not expecting this response, which is as cold as ice. I mean, seriously, who responds like that? I was so stupid to put smiley to normalize things, but “It’s my job.” Not even a smiley? It felt like I submitted a support ticket and got an automated response.

Take the credit, man! Especially, if you are really into me. In my heart, I was like, come oooonnnnnnnn, what exactly are you trying to do here? Am I imagining things? Am I becoming hyperaware? Or, are you one of those coward men who enjoy passive flirting with every other women in the office, but don’t actually have the courage to hold a proper conversation? But even that day, the way he looked at me, from across the floor, it wasn’t just a normal courtesy look. But, come ooooonnnnnn, it’s my job! Really?

Well, even after that day, things didn’t change as I was expecting and he continued finding reasons to be around me. I couldn’t take it anymore as that felt awkward and I don’t want to get embarrassed in workplace if someone notices, so I decided to do something about it. I thought, perhaps, I should start acknowledging him. Nothing that could be interpreted as an invitation, but a casual interaction like saying ‘hello’ whenever I find him looking at me or whenever our paths crossed.

But here’s the thing: it didn’t feel natural at all. Every time I do so, a part of me wondered – Is it really necessary? Am I genuinely trying to be friendly, or simply trying to convince him that I hadn’t noticed anything unusual? It feels like I am forcing myself to do so, to make him feel like I am completely unaware of his intentions, to ease things down between us.

And the irony? All these efforts to make things normal are doing absolutely nothing to make me feel normal. If anything, he is becoming even more deeply ingrained in my mind.

Ridiculous, right?

Here is another thing that makes the entire situation even more uncomfortable for me.

He is a musician.

And I have always found that incredibly attractive. All girls do.

And how did I know?

Well, I did a little online investigation. I stalked him online. Again, Thank you ‘Joe’. In his style, I was like “Who are YOU?”

And then I heard his voice.  

Oh, God!

His voice is just awe-inspiring, magical. Well, if peace had a voice, it would sound like his, really!

But, coming to the point – how to handle this situation now? Well, I am not really sure what his intentions are. Honestly, he gives me playboy vibes. He is always roaming around the floor and who knows? Maybe this is just how he behaves with everyone. Maybe I am just one of the dozens of women he is trying charm, confuse or play with.

And let’s be clear about one thing: I’m already married and I cannot become her doll, something he passively flirts with for fun. On a serious note, I have too much to lose for that kind of nonsense.  Sometimes, I wish I had a true friend who could have helped me better understand this situation and my own feelings. Who could help me get my mind straight. I really don’t want to become addicted to this dopamine surge.

And while writing all this, I’ve just realized something: perhaps I shouldn’t have started even those casual interactions with him in the first place. Because if he really is a Casanova-type guy, he could gaslight me in future.  

Wowwwww!!! Someone has truly said, when you need clarity, write.  😂

And I think I’ve finally found mine. I need to shut things down right away. So, I am gonna ignore his presence again just like I did before. Back to square one. My invisibility mantra. 😂 Why create unnecessary tension when I know this road leads nowhere. Practically speaking, it’s a dead end. I am married and I think I am the one who should put an end to this mess he has created and I have created in my mind.

I have to contain myself.

Because if things ever get complicated, I’m the one who stand to lose more. It’s my marriage, my life and my emotional well-being at stake. What does he have to lose? Nothing.  Maybe, ego. But I’m the one who could end up paying a much bigger price.

Hopefully, my ignorance will express what I want to say to him, that I am not interested in exchanging those confusing glances, that I can’t be someone he passively flirts with just to add a little excitement to his otherwise boring day, and that I can’t be his doll or toy, or whatever he wants me to be.

And if he really is the guy I feel he is, he’ll soon lose interest and move on to someone else.

If not, I am seriously going to be in trouble. 🤦🏻‍♀️