So, this is a continuation of Part 1. If you haven’t read it yet, you can read it here.
A positive hCG test but no heartbeat, even after 7 weeks. Blighted ovum! Missed abortion! I really can’t explain that heartbreak in words. We both were totally shattered. Moving from hospitals to hospitals, just in hope to save ourselves from the agony of losing another baby. But we couldn’t.
And then I conceived again 6 months later, in 2017. It should have been a moment of exhilaration, but we were super scared. All we could do was pray, pray and pray. Because not making it through this time could have really ripped apart from soul.
So, I was extra cautious this time. I received multiple Progesterone shots every week until I finally heard my baby’s heartbeat. Seriously, it is one of the world’s most beautiful sounds.
First three months were incredibly stressful. But amidst the stress, there were some positive signs too.
I was working as a freelance content writer then, and that year had been financially rewarding. Like the Universe was supporting me, when everybody else turned their backs. I earned pretty well and I couldn’t stop working because my husband was still jobless. He was supportive though. I had his moral support at every step of the way. He cared for me a lot and I can’t thank him enough.
Despite that, during the early months of pregnancy, I felt a constant sense of failure, like I was incomplete. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve to look good, wear nice clothes, or buy nice things for myself, like other women did until I became a mother. Those thoughts used to strip me of my self-worth.
It wasn’t until my 6th and 7th month of pregnancy, when all scans were fine and I began to feel confident, that I bought something for myself. Although, my amniotic fluid was low during the entire pregnancy, we were managing it with meds and all. There were moments of stress, but honestly, nothing major to worry about.
Then came December. At 37 weeks, my amniotic fluid dropped to 7. I didn’t know how fearful the situation was, but my gynae scared the hell out of me (the same gynae). She told me that if I wasn’t admitted immediately, the baby might come under stress, and the delivery outcomes could be risky. Her words terrified me. So, my husband and I decided to get admitted right away.
After like 12 hours of artificial induction that failed, of course, because I was too early, doctor decided to go with the C-Section. According to her, the heartbeat of baby was dropping and we couldn’t wait longer.
And then, came my baby girl- all healthy. When I saw her, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I had finally made through this milestone of my life. She felt like a true blessing, my little bundle of joy.
I realized, babies are beautiful angels waiting in their mother’s womb to see the light of the world. They are not some crumbled piece of bread.
For some women, it might not seem like something extraordinary, something to flaunt or be proud of. After all, it’s just giving birth, right? But ask me and ask every other women, like me, for whom it’s a real battle, and it’s a real accomplishment to make through this phase. Through all this time, I had no one by my side except my husband. It was a battle fought by just two of us.
Now, when I look back at how far I’ve come, it feels like I’ve been through too much. I didn’t deserve that pain, but maybe you can’t fight God’s plan. I am blessed to have two daughters, but still, I can’t make peace with the decision to abort.
Every time I think about it, I feel worse about myself. The guilt crushes me like hell. I heard it somewhere that guilt is the worst pain you can inflict on someone, and that’s damn true!
If I could wind back the clock, I would have made a different choice. A choice to continue the pregnancy, a choice to stand by my baby against all odds of life. A choice to just dump that gynae who counselled us for dropping the pregnancy instead of retaining it. Even today, we are not in a great place – financially and emotionally, but we are trying our best to provide the best upbringing possible to our children.
Life has made me realize that you cannot – and should not – escape from battles. If there isn’t a battle outside, there would be one within. And trust me, the inner battle is far more difficult to win.
Life also made me realize that the decisions which start with regret stay regretful throughout life. And there are some wounds that even time can’t heal. So, it’s better to listen to your heart and go with the flow of life.
Fear is your greatest enemy that feeds you false assumptions and worst-case scenarios. Let no decision in your life be guided by this fear. Let your inner conscience guide you, and believe that everything will be OK in the end.
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